I’m strongly convinced that even in most dire situations, humor is the best medicine. Humor might be the only way to experience yourself as a free, autonomous and healthy individual. As a long time counselor and coach this is deeply engrained in me. My attitude follows the motto: “Laugh for health!” But quick inspiration isn’t always at hand. So, you too might be looking for a funny one line joke.
Laugh in your heart, your mouth will follow! – SPB
With this post I’m not only presenting you a selection of one liners, but I put them into context and I also try to collect them under a main topic, so you can find them for your purpose right away. Those created by me have my initials (SPB), otherwise the name of the author if known to me.
Two psychoanalysts meet, one begins: “How am I doing? How you’re doing, this I already know.” – SPB
“An Irishman walks out of the bar.”
For sure, this is one of the shortest jokes I know. “Instant” is the buzz word of our times. Everything has to be ready made, short and accessible as quick as possible. Jokes as well. So in a cynical way I could poke fun at one line jokes. Where has all the story telling gone, the narrative competence? What’s left is only a superficial consumption of literary fast food.
I would be superficial myself to maintain that verdict. Using language professionally, I know how hard it is to condense a rich, complex thought or story into a few words. Moreover some of my best insights were inspired by one liners. On the other hand, there’s a long tradition of one liners called epigrams or aphorisms.
Epigrams and Aphorisms
An aphorism can never be the whole truth; it is either a half-truth or a truth-and-a-half. – Karl Kraus
The art of writing epigrams is manifold and has a long tradition. It goes back to the Bible and Zen Buddhism, the Greeks and the Romans and permeates all of literary history, not the least on grave stones. The word epigram is derived from the Greek: ἐπίγραμμα epigramma meaning “inscription”. And aphorism (from Greek ἀφορισμός aphorismos, “delimitation”, “distinction” or “definition”) is a short saying, expressing a general truth or subtle observation in a tight form.
I just realized now how fascinating this topic is. But for the purpose for this post, I’ll have to hold myself back and give you a small glimpse into history’s rich heritage of one liners. They even may have been the first crystallization of written language. So we can start with the Bible.
>>> For a deep dive I recommend Redeeming Laughter <<<
Jokes in the Bible
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. – Prov 17:22
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. – Prov 4:23
It is better to live alone in the desert than with a crabby, complaining wife. – Prov 21:19
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. – Prov 16:18
If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom. – Job 13:5
Koan in Zen Buddhism
This is a rather harsh and austere humor not easily accessable. But like all humor it’s a unique kind of dissolving identifications, for example with cherished thoughts or items, with pleasure and sorrow. These one liners have the purpose to send you on a journey to find the master within.
Two hands clap and there is a sound. What is the sound of one hand?
If you meet the Buddha, kill him.
A monk asked Dongshan Shouchu, “What is Buddha?” Dongshan said, “Three pounds of flax.”
Greek and Roman aphorisms
In fact there’s a large Greek Anthology of poems and epigrams, which of course influenced the Roman authors. Here just a few examples:
Life is short, art long, opportunity fleeting, experience deceptive, judgement difficult. – Hippocrates
“Man [is] the measure [of all things]”. -Protagoras
There is no glory in outstripping donkeys. – Marcus Valerius Martial
Best One Liner Jokes Ever
Today, I’m gonna visit myself. Hopefully I’m at home! – Karl Valentin
The shorter the one liners, the more blatant and crass they are. Keep in mind, that satire is part of humor too operating with ridicule and hyperbolism. If you push the limits even further with sarcasm, sharp and bitter remarks, all of a sudden you’ll find yourself in the realm of cynicism. This attitude can be characterized with lack of good will and trust. It’s the outermost range of humor, comparable to black or dark humor – a borderline case we may discuss in the comment section below.
Marriage, Family and Relationship
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Political (Correctness)
If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?
Diversity is just a code word for white genocide. – WretchedWhiteRabbit
If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.
We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have Obama, no cash, and no hope.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Religious
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742 – 1799)
I absolutely love him! The German scientist and philosopher was a genius collecting his observations and insights in scrapbooks or Waste Books (German = Sudelbücher).
A book which, above all others in the world, should be forbidden, is a catalogue of forbidden books.
Even truth needs to be clad in new garments if it is to appeal to a new age.
Once we know our weaknesses they cease to do us any harm.
A book is a mirror: if an ape looks into it an apostle is hardly likely to look out.
What is called an acute knowledge of human nature is mostly nothing but the observer’s own weaknesses reflected back from others.
A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents.
Man is to be found in reason, God in the passions.
Oscar Wilde (1854 – 1900)
This is another great author I admire, the Irish novelist and poet. Like no one else, he coins his sharp and revealing observations and reflections into unforgettable one liners.
One can exist without art, but one cannot live without it. (Recently discovered)
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.
Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it… I can resist everything but temptation.
An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.
Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.
All art is at once surface and symbol. Those who go beneath the surface do so at their peril.
Miscellaneous
Science advances one funeral at a time. – Max Planck
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Instead of “the John,” I call my toilet “the Jim.” That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
Laughter is the best medicine – except for the squits. – SPB
>>> How to fight stress with humor and more, go to my book review <<<
Please come back to this treasure trove every time you need some inspiration or healing for your mood, the tag cloud in the right colum will help you. And in case you’ve got some one liners too that are not among this collection, feel free to share them here in the comments. Especially if you know a one line remedy for the squits 😉 At any rate, let us know what’s on your mind.
It’s definitely true that laughter is the best way to feel better. I think a day without laughter is a wasted day.
I tell you what I really enjoy doing. I like to put stand-up comedy shows on my MP3 player and then go for walks while listening to them. People probably think I’m mad for walking along laughing to myself, but I don’t care, I’m having a better time than them. I also listen to it while driving to and from work, so people will see me laughing while driving my car. Again, if they think I’m mad, too bad, I’m having a great time.
Have you ever done this?
Hey Marcus
Thanks for the comment! This is a real good idea, I use to listen to different podcasts, but commedy isn’t in my program yet. So what would you recommend to download. I think it’s a great idea to hit the road with a smile on the face 😉
Cheers, Stefan
Hello Stefan having one line joke is a cheer up in a dull occasion. Even in a serious meeting a joke can be a clue to refresh the team and brings in new idea. Doing it a lot seems to be dud in some case. But yes if you are in need of some stress reliever this is what the god spares for all of us. I love this kind of trick and joke as it is useful for me to warm up the folks in the seminar particularly when I am a leader and making address in front of the group of people. It make them relieve and go on listening to the topic.
Thanks a lot, you made a good point. Because the oneliners are so powerful, they need to be dosed like a spice. Have you had an occasion where you developed a seminar session around a joke or aphorism?
A cheerful heart truly is good medicine. I have been way too serious for most of my life. I guess I let the stresses of life crowd out the lighter, brighter aspects. Only recently have I realized the benefit of laughter and it definitely makes a difference. Thanks for this collection of one liners that can be accessed as needed.
Hey Dave
I’m happy to contribute to a greater lightness in your life! In the end humor, especially laughing about onself, is a spiritual mindset, because you stop identifying with any kind of thought or feelings, be they terrific or depressing. It’s truely liberating.
Have a nice weekend, Stefan
Hi Stefan,
You really cheered me up, and that’s just great!
I like to collect oneliners and I noticed here some that I’ve never seen before. Loved religious ones! Wilde’s quotes are always a pleasure to read – no matter how many times you’ve already seen them.
I also like Abraham Lincoln’s oneliners and Terry Pratchett’s brilliant quotes, perhaps you would consider adding them, too?
Hey Dmitriy
Thank you so much for your great feedback and the new suggestions! I really like to keep gathering more oliners. And as soon as I get to research your sources, I’ll add them to my post.
Take care, Stefan
Stopped in to look at your social media tabs and ended up reading your blog. Love your one liner jokes. Thanks.
Hi David
you’re welcome. I hope you keep on going with humor 😉
Wow, I love your site. Laughter truly is the best medicine.
This is an amazing article, and seems to include a little bit of everything. The Biblical jokes didn’t really come across to me as jokes, but more as wisdom sayings or proverbs, but I think in themselves they are true enough.
The Zen ones are the best because they seem so absurd. This article reminds me that I need to laugh more, so thank you for that.
Hi Ian
I’m glad you enjoyed my post. You’re absolutely right, the hardest thing for me was to find good one liners in the Bible. Some reflecting the meaning of the heart rather hint at humor than being jokes themselves.
But consider this one: “If only you would be altogether silent! For you, that would be wisdom.” (Job 13:5) It could be transformed into a one liner of an imaginary poetry slammer like this:
“Stand up to the plate and shut up! As sage as you ever can be.”
And the pride before the fall evokes in me a snobbish cavalier that falls off his horse just when it starts to galopp.
Keep on laughing! Stefan
This is a great message, it is both figurative and literal and it’s supported by so many people throughout history. I’ve experienced someone making me laugh when I was very upset and the last thing on my mind was laughter, but my mood was changed against my will and I was no longer upset and was glad the person decided to crack a joke instead of letting wallow in my pity.
Hi Raphael
thanks for your personal sharing. It’s good to know how strong humor can be in all kinds of circumstances!
Take care, Stefan
Thank you Stefan, for the good quotes and some very funny ones, I have a few for you too, this one is not a funny one but a truth: “The true and solid peace of humans consists not in equality of arms,
but in equality of distribution of life’s riches.
Then my life motto’s: Teach the children well, and we can change the world in a decade. And What you send out, you get back, so give everything to every one.
Kind regards Loes
Hello Loes
thanks a lot! Especially your life motto goes along with my experience and my values. As a father of 3 children in puberty I can see this truth unfolding in my own life.
Take care, Stefan
HI there,
definitely following the age of philosophy of laughter is the best medicine and the practice of risotherapy.
Living in this day and age it is so easy to have a bucket load of resources, bookmarked jokes pages to fave funny videos on youtube to funny quotes websites. Just have to get into the habit of looking for them and using them when needed.
Good point, Derek, thanks!
That’s what I’m trying to do. Adjust to a new habit and build a collection of pearls of humor. Any suggestion for a good website odr video?
Lauch on, Stefan
Hi Dr.Stefan,
Something for a change – what a lighthearted article to read this is. It reminds me of my favorite column in the Reader’s Digest publication – “Laughter, The Best Medicine”. I always read them before anything else in the magazine.
You are right, we should joke more often and I hope I will remember this every time the stress in life builds up. I heard they make you live longer too 😛
Here’s a multiple-line joke that I read recently;
Lying on his deathbed, a loving husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking. They were his very favorite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.
“Don’t touch!” she commanded. “They’re for the funeral.”
Hi Cathy
thanks a lot for this great joke, I loved it! When you consider the power of humor, it only takes a clear decision to focus on the funny side of life. Do you know Monty Python’s “Always look on the bright side of life”? Absolutely hilarious 😉
Cheers, Stefan
As the saying goes, “laughter is the best medicine”. And it is FREE!
I prefer one line jokes as they get right to the point. I have a short attention span, so if the joke goes on too long I often start thinking of other things and then miss the entire punchline.
I think, as a society we all need to laugh more and not take everything so seriously. Mental health issues are on the rise. It is scary that nowadays mental health issues are effecting so many children, not just adults.
Perhaps we all need to start telling some more jokes!
Hi Simone,
you’re absolutely right. Let’s permeate our daily conversations with more humor. But how does the change come about? By changing your inner focus towards the lighthearted while at the same time appreciating the shadows, the darker side of life. In this I follow Monty Python: “Always look at the bright side of life…” 😉
Hang on, Stefan