Lack – Intimacy – Marriage: very often those three words build a fatal union, a cause for hurt feelings, frozen souls and in the end poisoned relationships. You feel stuck in a place where you never wanted to be. And getting out of this contradiction isn’t all that easy. So what better solution than an inspiration how to have better sex in a relationship?
The biggest sexual organ is your heart!
Methods and ideals can rape your own Self
You may think so, but from my point of view, this seeming solution has exactly the opposite effect. The promise how to have better sex in a relationship establishes an enormous pressure, because the logic of better sex implies from the start the one and only goal which is: amazing sex through ultimate orgasm. And the “how to” suggests, that it’s just your fault if you don’t make it, because you didn’t follow the instructions hard enough. That way you’re trapped in a vicious circle.
Think about this: Every method and ideal is a part of the past, condensed out of many analyzed experiences. As such it’s already dead, because it only covers what once worked and has no intrinsic value for the present whatsoever. For sure, it can serve as an inspiration, but if you want to come in touch with what actually concerns you now, with the person you have a relationship with, then you have to let go of all thoughts and mental constructions.
Sorry for catching you on the wrong foot and leading the question ad absurdum how to have better sex in a relationship. But in my mind gaining wisdom for a life in love and liberty is always a painful process, because it reveals the dead end of your own self centered and separated world view. Such a capitulation enables you for true encounter. Good books can guide you in this process.
Sex weariness confirmed by a British study
The phenomenon I described was recently confirmed in a British study. British couples are said to be under too much pressure to have amazing sex through ultimate and multiple orgasms, fearing they will not live up to this standard. Thus they would rather give up on intimacy than perform below par. The silence among couples concerning sexuality corresponds to the noisy loquacity in public.
Desperate housewives and horny husbands turn to pertinent magazines and guidebooks – the huge selection speaks for itself – or they buy utilities like sex toys, films or Viagra. The hype about “50 Shades of Gray” mirrors the dilemma we’re talking about (see my post: WHY IS 50 SHADES OF GREY SO POPULAR– Top Government Secrets). The more they try to follow exaggerated ideas how good sex “ought to be”, the less pleased they are with what they experience and how they perform. Finally, they turn away from any kind of intimacy.
In the afore mentioned study surveying 6,000 British adults, 45 percent said they were “fairly satisfied” or “very satisfied” with their sex life, while 51 percent said they had not had sex in the past month. Now, not having sex doesn’t mean to live without erotic quality or sensuality. But the tendency is clear and compared to the over sexualized media even paradoxical: While in public the notion is portrayed that amazing sex is a matter of course applying the right method, in practice more and more women and men alike turn away from physical contact.
What’s behind odd sexual behavior?
Speaking of horny husbands, it’s true that men usually have a stronger libido aka sex drive than women. But it’s just as wrong to reduce men to a penis fixated orgasm. From many discreet conversations I know that behind the superficial desire for sex – and be it with a stranger – very often lies a need for tenderness and affection. And the fact is, that many men look for fulfillment outside of their relationship, even if it’s only an illusion.
Are you morally offended now? At the latest since the TV series “Desperate Housewives” fornication is no longer a mere male privilege. No matter how you value this behavior, from a subjective point of view it can be an indicator of a deep longing, a desire to reunite and merge with the essence of life, to become whole. Thus it’s no wonder that so much hassle is involved here, because we’re dealing with the overwhelming life force. Besides, the causes for deviant and destructive forms of sexuality are on another page and cannot be dealt with here.
Ways out of the vicious circle
What then could a way out of the “amazing sex trap” look like? Is there anyone at all? I believe so, yes. Coming from the latest observation it starts with the acknowledgement of the situation we find ourselves in. In closing let me sketch a few continuing thoughts.
- In a mature relationship sex goes hand in hand with vulnerability and buried feelings.
- Frictions in your relationship are a signpost pointing towards yourself and your shadows.
- Try to connect the facets of your sex life with your inner needs. What are they?
- Prepare a common ground for intimate talks with your partner. Share your thoughts what both of you need in order to open up.
- Forget about techniques and methods for a while, because as ideals they stand in the way of who you are as an individual as well as a couple.
- Share your needs and thus start building a new intimacy in your relationship.
I hope you’ve got some inspiration in case you’re stuck in a vicious circle of amazing sex and lack of intimacy. It would be great if we as an online community could break the ice here in the comment section. Please share your thoughts, and if it’s too delicate, you may contact me via email. And I’ll give you a voice anonymously. Thanks!